What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve ever had to explain to a third party?

Answer by Rory Young:

It was golden hour. The warm glow of the African sunset bathed the already gorgeous scenery of Lake Kariba and the Matusadona mountains making its already magical beauty seem almost surreal.

We were seated in an open Land Rover quietly observing the old elephant. Serenity.

Then he began to extend his enormous penis.

Yes, it is big. Enormous, the largest member of any land animal. Up to a meter in length (measured from the base) and six inches thick. It also has two muscles, so they can move it, which they seemed to like doing when being observed by men..

I waited quietly for the response from the two couple seated on the back.

Responses were usually varied. The ranged from the elderly dears, "good grief!" to the Australian bloke's, "That would come in handy on a picnic!"..

these two couples were very different to each other. Whilst both the men were pretty laid back and chatted normally and asked questions about the wildlife, there wives couldn't have been more different. The first lady just could not shut up. She talked incessantly and was giving me a headache.

The second lady was the exact opposite. She was petite, demure and did not say one word. I was starting to wonder if she could speak at all.

I noted with a feeling of great relief that the garrulous lady had now gone completely quiet. But then so had everybody else.

I waited till the silence was deafening and then decided to break the ice. "This is a male elephant", I said, "You can tell from the shape of the head." There was a round of chuckles from behind me and I tackled the subject head on, "The elephant's penis extends 160cm in total length, including what you don't see and the testes are internal, close to the spine, which is why you don't see them."

Then, as I  rambled on, I was interrupted by a quiet little voice from the very back. It was the girl who had not yet said a word. "How doelephants have sex?", she asked.

A surprising first question. Quite obvious i would have thought. As usual I bit back my first answer, which in this case was "Not in the missionary position.." and began to explain how the male's penis has to curve to reach and therefore had the two muscles and so on and so forth.

When I had finished our quiet little angel said "Oh". I waited. Then, "I always thought their sexual organs were in their feet", she said.

"I beg your pardon?", I said. I hadn't yet realized who was the naive party in all of this and now expecting to have to explain the birds and the bees to a honey-mooner.

"Because when it stands on you you're f*****" said the little church mouse to me.

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